do i still believe in love?

god is really onto me lately. it’s like everywhere i go, i’ve been asked the same question over and over: do i still believe in love?

it’s a question i’ve never asked myself ever since i’ve stopped obsessing about guys. it was years ago when i’ve stopped obsessing about my ex and started really living my life. in all those years, i’ve just been focused on myself, career, family, friends, and dreams. so in all those times, i haven’t really thought about whether or not i still believe in love.

until recently. because while i was busy cooking up a fictional character’s love story, god has been cooking up mine. a man from my past is returning to test whether or not i still have the ability to believe.

but life is a game. while there is a possibility of winning, there’s also a promise of hurdles in getting there. so i’ve been also reminded that hope can be a poison you’re so addictively taking not knowing it can kill you. carrie bradshaw even asks what the harm is in believing because you can’t be sure if hope is a drug you should be taking to help you live or if it’s something you need to get off of.

but i have to ask first, what exactly does “believing in love” mean? when you “believe in love,” what exactly are you betting on?

is it the belief that there’s still someone out there meant for you? like in my friend’s case, is it the belief that just by praying continuously and intently, a guy would somehow appear in your life like magic? is it believing that you still have a high market value? or is it like my other friend who believes that if others can find love past the age of 40, so can she?

to what exactly are you putting your faith?

maybe believing in love doesn’t necessarily mean being hopeful that your knight-in-shining-armor is just around the corner. maybe when you put your chip on the table, you are really placing your bet on yourself and on god. because believing in love means trusting that no matter what happens – man or no man – you won’t become bitter about life. maybe it means having faith that god won’t leave you alone, and he will fill your life with people who will make you feel loved. and maybe that would make believing not so harmful after all.

i guess am a believer after all. because after everything that i’ve been through, here i am, still putting my chip on the table, still rolling the dice, betting on myself.

how much does a “father figure” figure?

carrie bradshaw asks: “how much does a ‘father figure’ figure?” it was a question on her mind because after so many failed attempts at love, it dawned on her that her relationship with men isn’t great because of her deeply-rooted father issues.

carrie grew up without a dad (at least that’s what it says in “sex and the city” but not in “carrie diaries”) because he left when she was still very young. the show didn’t anymore say what happened after that – the hardships she and her mom went through after her dad left. but as the viewer, you can pretty much conclude that her relationships with men have become messed up because of her issues with her dad – she can’t seem to figure out men that she just ends up even more confused every time she exits from a relationship.

now, i’m asking the same question. right in the middle of washing dishes, it hit me that i am probably what i am right now – not a girly girl, tough, independent, bossy, cold – because of my own issues with my dad.

you see, my dad is…let’s just say my mom is undeniably a stronger person than he is. in fact, most of the life-changing decisions they’ve made were my mom’s ideas – buying a house, getting their kids educational plan for college, or sending their kids to elite schools. my dad is just along for the ride most of the time. there were even times when he’d oppose to my mom’s idea, but my mom would still talk him through it. and in the end, mom’s idea had been the best idea for the family.

dad’s also the type who loves to play the blame game. that’s why my mom hated it so much telling him our family’s problem. in the end, i become my mom’s shock absorber, so i know our family’s problems more than my dad does.

and it’s been like that as i grew older. so by the time i became financially independent, i became all the more the “father” figure in the house. i’ve become more of the provider than the nurturer despite being a woman, as my contribution to our household is mostly monetary. i also make crucial decisions from time to time.

this got me thinking – all these probably turned me into this tough woman who thinks like a man, prompting me to go for guys who are tougher than me. so if the guy is such as weeny, i’d think that he’ll just be another big baby that needs to be taken cared of. maybe that’s why maturity (or age) has always been such an issue.

it’s not that i demand or expect too much from the guy. it’s just that this fear of ending up like my mom, who lived a miserable life because her supposed “life partner” isn’t such a partner but just a spectator who criticizes every now and then, is taking over me. and that makes it harder to find a partner.

so how much, then, does a “father figure” figure? a lot. it’s because your father is the first man in your life, and your relationship with him ultimately defines your relationship with other men. he sets the standards against which you compare all the other men you’ll let into your life. he’s the yardstick against which all the other guys will be measured. it’s your father – not your first boyfriend or first love – who will influence your decisions later on in life when you start finding a partner.