lifting the “rock”

five drafts (and counting) in the backend waiting to be published. absent-mindedness. my mind in a spinning wheel. no wonder i can’t finish a damn post in this blog. it’s true what david ogilvy said: “a wooly writer has a wooly mind.” unfortunately, my expertise is in making mountains out of molehills. so here i am, turning a molehill of a problem into a major roadblock and now, i can’t concentrate.

so what’s been bugging me lately? there are quite a few, actually:

  1. love life. oh yes, when’s my heart ever become as calm as lake placid? of course it’s always been my issue. now more than ever.

             the surfer dude is still very much present in my life. he admitted (a few times, with no holds barred, might i add) how   much                he likes me. and nothing wrong with that, of course. except that to me, we can’t be anything more than friends. but the                            problem is, am too selfish to admit that to him so he can go and find someone else who will reciprocate his feelings. in the                      months that we’ve known each other, i’ve just considered him as my “boy toy” (read this article, it’s not what you think.) i’ve                  kept him around to make me feel good while waiting for this guy i actually like. (met this guy i like at this class am taking and                am liking what am seeing so far. and i wanna see what’s what.)

            the surfer dude’s not that bad. he’s cute, kind, industrious, and above all, he adores me. but he’s too far (he lives 8 hours away             from me), too young, and has no stable career yet. and by the looks of it, he’s not a husband material. (no, am not yet ready to             get married but i at least want my would-be boyfriend to be a hubby material in case i become ready.) but this has been                         bugging me because this kooky brain of mine wants to keep the guy on the hook without hurting him (crazy, i know). and of all             people, i should be the first one to know how it feels to be kept on the hook (i was kept on the hook by my ex-boyfriend for                     years.) but instead, here i am, about to get an innocent guy’s feelings hurt. (what is wrong with me?!)

        2.  business. i wouldn’t really call this a problem coz it’s not. but just the same, the whole situation is confusing to me. (they say                 an optimist would call any difficult situation an opportunity, while a pessimist would call it a problem. am beginning to think               am a pessimist.)

              my careers’ been going great. projects pushing through as planned. am learning new things everyday. then came this                               business opportunity from a high school friend.

              i have no idea yet what the business is all about coz we’re yet to meet this weekend. this friend of mine knows am a bit                               business savvy. and one of my dreams is to run my own business. but something tells me the timing of this opportunity is                     just wrong. just when i am so focused on another project, this opportunity suddenly shows up.

              and it confuses me a lot because time is limited. i have a full-time job, a big project, and some other stuff on the side. but on                the other hand, i’ve told myself i need to increase my cash flow for this big investment that am planning to venture in. this is                 just so confusing.

           3. project. this project is so big, i consider myself crazy for even coming up with the idea. but it’s here now, so i guess it’s not                     crazy after all. it’s scary because i don’t know where it will lead me or if it will come to the point of completion. i just keep on                 telling myself, i’ll deal with this one day at a time.

whew! that was a relief, having let that all out. i needed to do this because just like how the “rock” that used to block the intersect’s function in chuck’s brain, these issues have been hindering my productivity. and i haven’t been my usual self lately.

 

how much does a “father figure” figure?

carrie bradshaw asks: “how much does a ‘father figure’ figure?” it was a question on her mind because after so many failed attempts at love, it dawned on her that her relationship with men isn’t great because of her deeply-rooted father issues.

carrie grew up without a dad (at least that’s what it says in “sex and the city” but not in “carrie diaries”) because he left when she was still very young. the show didn’t anymore say what happened after that – the hardships she and her mom went through after her dad left. but as the viewer, you can pretty much conclude that her relationships with men have become messed up because of her issues with her dad – she can’t seem to figure out men that she just ends up even more confused every time she exits from a relationship.

now, i’m asking the same question. right in the middle of washing dishes, it hit me that i am probably what i am right now – not a girly girl, tough, independent, bossy, cold – because of my own issues with my dad.

you see, my dad is…let’s just say my mom is undeniably a stronger person than he is. in fact, most of the life-changing decisions they’ve made were my mom’s ideas – buying a house, getting their kids educational plan for college, or sending their kids to elite schools. my dad is just along for the ride most of the time. there were even times when he’d oppose to my mom’s idea, but my mom would still talk him through it. and in the end, mom’s idea had been the best idea for the family.

dad’s also the type who loves to play the blame game. that’s why my mom hated it so much telling him our family’s problem. in the end, i become my mom’s shock absorber, so i know our family’s problems more than my dad does.

and it’s been like that as i grew older. so by the time i became financially independent, i became all the more the “father” figure in the house. i’ve become more of the provider than the nurturer despite being a woman, as my contribution to our household is mostly monetary. i also make crucial decisions from time to time.

this got me thinking – all these probably turned me into this tough woman who thinks like a man, prompting me to go for guys who are tougher than me. so if the guy is such as weeny, i’d think that he’ll just be another big baby that needs to be taken cared of. maybe that’s why maturity (or age) has always been such an issue.

it’s not that i demand or expect too much from the guy. it’s just that this fear of ending up like my mom, who lived a miserable life because her supposed “life partner” isn’t such a partner but just a spectator who criticizes every now and then, is taking over me. and that makes it harder to find a partner.

so how much, then, does a “father figure” figure? a lot. it’s because your father is the first man in your life, and your relationship with him ultimately defines your relationship with other men. he sets the standards against which you compare all the other men you’ll let into your life. he’s the yardstick against which all the other guys will be measured. it’s your father – not your first boyfriend or first love – who will influence your decisions later on in life when you start finding a partner.