we all get the love we think we deserve.
the first time i encountered this line was when i read a novel called “the perks of being a wallflower.” i decided to read it at the time it was turned into a movie. the trailer for the movie was so interesting, i thought i’d read the book version first.
i won’t elaborate anymore on the story, but the main message simply was the line above. at first, i thought i fully understood what it truly meant – that if you don’t treat yourself well enough, nobody ever will. i thought it was simple as that. and funny how, depending on my current circumstance, the meaning of the line changes. just like when i recently decided i’m ready for a relationship and really opened my mind and heart to entertaining suitors (am from the philippines and courtship is pretty much the norm here), all i got where guys that i thought were not good enough for me. while i prayed for better guys, all i got were the “left overs” (i.e. guys who were left after the good ones have been picked out – the jerks and a**holes). and it got me thinking if the line above is even close to the truth because while i thought i deserved better, i got less.
then i received an email of a talk by one of my most favorite motivational speakers that teaches about generosity. in his talk, he made it clear that contrary to what the society believes, generosity is not just about giving or sharing to others what you have – it’s also about receiving. and he adds “you cannot give what you don’t have.”
no, it’s not that i don’t take care of myself well enough. i exercise, watch what i eat, develop my talents, and learn from my mistakes as much as possible to become a better person. but then again, there’s still a problem – i am not comfortable whenever i receive anything from other people.
you see, i have been blessed in my career and my finances so i can be generous to others. (no, i’m not rich but i have been given enough to support my/my family’s needs and still be able to give to others.) i give material things to the less fortunate (not necessarily beggars or panhandlers but people in my life who have less material wealth than i have). and it makes me happy seeing them happy because i have become a part of the solution to their monetary problem. but whenever i receive from others, say, gifts or unsolicited favors, i cringe at the idea because i am so used to giving but not to receiving.
then came this talk about generosity that made me realize things, not only about life in general but in my love life specifically.
maybe deep inside of me, i felt like i don’t deserve it every time i get attention from guys (the good ones). i don’t feel worthy of receiving love from the good ones because i am so used to giving and looking after other people’s needs. i cringe at the idea of getting my needs looked after by a good life partner just because i am usually the “good guy” who does that for others. god, all this time, probably wanted to send a good guy my way, but i’m just too proud to receive the blessing.
it also makes me annoyed whenever my family is so concerned about me they would do anything for me because at my age, i feel like i should be taking care of all of my needs already. instead of being grateful for getting that amount of care from loved ones, i hate the idea because i’m just too proud to ever get help from others. and that problem probably spilled over to other areas of my life such as love life. i never get a man who wants to take care of me (or maybe i do, i just don’t notice because i immediately send the guy packing without really getting to know him first if he didn’t give the best first impression) because i only entertain the ones that i think (subconsciously) i deserved.
we all get the love we think we deserve. all this time, i thought i really deserved to be loved by a great man, but i have just been too proud to receive great love. and maybe opening myself up to a relationship again means being open to receiving love from others.