sometimes, when all my tasks for the day are done and i have nothing better to do or if i see couples and notice the odd combinations, i can’t help but rethink about my dating life (or the lack of it). i can’t help but wonder why at near 30, am still single (and available).
is it because i don’t look like a baywatch babe? is it because my skin is not silky-smooth like bea alonzo’s? or is it because to guys, am a plain jane?
because am a natural-born researcher, i asked my friends on what they think is wrong with me. and survey says:
- “you’re intimidating. you come across as an elite.”
- “you don’t know you’re pretty.” (i.e. “you don’t know your worth.”)
- “you haven’t gotten over your ex.”
- “you’re too pa-manang.” (i.e. “you’re a prude.”)
while these issues may seem very minor, they have more impact on me than i realize or than i care to admit.
“you’re intimidating. you come across as an elite.” it’s not like i have been doing it on purpose that am coming off as an elite. it’s not like i go around speaking to people in kolehiyala or sosy accent. heck, i can even pass as a tomboy because of how brusque i act speak. how in the world did i appear like an elite?
i can think of only one reason why some of my friends think of me that way: my career. my being a career woman is probably what makes them think that am this high-minded entitled woman strutting the streets of ayala or global city with my head held high like am walking the runway. they probably think i live a glamorous life because of the perks i get from my job. they probably think am carrie bradshaw who just works whatever time of the day she wants at some posh coffee shop, watching other people rush to their dead-end jobs, and then partying all night after work. while that is possible with my job, it didn’t exactly change my lifestyle. i still try to live within certain limits as much as possible and within my means. plus, any job, if it’s challenging enough for you, is just as exciting as mine. how am i an elitist in that?
“you don’t know you’re pretty.” (i.e. “you don’t know your worth.”) this one is flattering and alarming at the same time. and i think this is true to some extent. you see, ever since high school, i have a huge issue with my physical appearance. i am overly conscious with weight and skin because am not exactly the skinniest and most flawless girl in school. worse, boys make fun of me because of my size.
i’ve been called names a lot. and it was humiliating to a teenager who doesn’t know her place in the sun yet. imagine how insecure i was. so every time i’d learn that a guy likes me, i would just laugh it off in disbelief because he’s ridiculous for liking someone like me. and the sad part is that i brought this notion about myself with me while growing up.
as an adult, i still can’t believe every time someone expresses his interest in me. sometimes, i won’t even bother looking at myself in the mirror and be the best i can be in terms of looks because i just know deep inside that it won’t matter – no one will ever like me. to me, am just this aging single woman who will live the rest of her life alone. and that issue about my looks probably spilled over to other areas of my life because…
“you haven’t gotten over your ex.” i admit this part is true to some extent. i had a hard time getting over my ex that i may have missed out on the fun things in life, including meeting new people. for almost a decade, i just spent my time brooding over what happened and “perfecting” my physical appearance in hopes of a sweet revenge on him, not knowing that it was backfiring on me. it was a futile endeavor to get him back in my life because it is very obvious that he doesn’t love me the way he did before. so i was devastated. but that didn’t stop me from wasting my life. instead of living up to my potentials, i just focused my time and energy preparing for that moment when remorse takes over him for letting a catch like me go.
of course, this day, this isn’t the case anymore. and i think maturity and rich experiences in other areas of my life have something to do with it. as i grew older, i realized there is so much more to life than getting a boyfriend and settling down. but i realized this when i was already in my late twenties.
“you’re too pa-manang.” (i.e. “you’re a prude.”) of course this came from my friends who are more liberated that i am. it’s not that am a prude. i believe my mind is open enough to accept non-conventional ideas, including fornication between people of the same gender. it’s just that i was raised in a conservative family. just like what i keep on telling others, while i can embrace unorthodox ideals, some of them i can’t live out. like having casual sex, for instance. i just don’t have the guts to engage in one.
so i don’t think this is really an issue of being a conservative. i think it’s more an issue of courage – of whether or not i can get out of my comfort to get into the relationship that i wanted.
while i may spend pages and pages to defend why am still single, the truth still remains that my life would be more colorful and less boring if i were in a relationship. i am perfectly fine and happy with my life as a single woman. but i just don’t want to regret someday that i didn’t try opening myself up to a relationship again.