mistakes

i can’t stop myself from re-reading certain posts from this blog site that i love so much. and they all have a common theme – taking risks. this tells me that deep inside of me, it’s all i wanted to do in my present circumstances: take risk no matter how stupid it may be.

himym said that sometimes in life, we do things even though we know we’re making a big mistake just so we won’t regret anything in the end. we know, like lily, that the plate is hot but we touch it anyway. we know, like barney, that the box should be poked with holes so the mice can breathe, but we never punch a single hole anyway. and we know, like ted, that we shouldn’t fall in love with robin because it’s such a futile endeavor, but we do it anyway. all because we don’t want to regret missing out on anything in life.

mistakes: we gotta make them anyway. even if we know that people will laugh at how stupid we are. people, like marshall, will insist to look at the evidences why we shouldn’t do them. they will insist on us taking the perfect path. but where’s the fun in perfection?

it’s a mistake if i open my heart and mind to this guy. i can think of a lot of reasons why i shouldn’t keep the communication line open. i can think of a lot of reasons why i shouldn’t let him into my life. but i can also think of a lot of reasons why i should do this.

i should do this because i need to learn. and it is only by making a mistake that i can learn. i should do this for myself. this is the only way i’ll be able to know who i am outside of the comfort zone of my career. i need to know if i can really be in a relationship or if am better off being single. and most of all, i need to learn how to stand by my decisions no matter how stupid they may be.

i will do this. i don’t know what will happen once the communication line opens up. but i gotta find out anyway.

 

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si aurora at ang pag-ibig

pag-ibig: magulo, nakakapaso, nakakatakot, nakakalunod. parang sa pag-aaral ng surfing – hangga’t hindi mo napaglalabanan ang takot sa malalaking alon, hindi ka matututo.

kaya dapat hindi minamadali. dapat unti-unti ang paglusong, ang paglalakad patungo sa mas malalim na parte ng karagatan, at ang pakikipagkaibigan sa mga naglalakihang alon na sa simula akala mo’y kaaway. 

nakakatakot malunod sa pag-ibig. baka kasi makalimot ka at umikot nalang ang mundo mo dito. parang buhay sa tabing-dagat – baka makasanayan mo nalang ito at makalimutan mo ang mga bagay na sa matagal na panahon ay nagpasaya sayo sa siyudad. nakakatakot dahil baka tuluyan kang baguhin ng pag-ibig. 

pero dapat bang sumubok pa rin kahit na nakakatakot? sa surfing, pwedeng pag-aralan ang mga teknik para di ka mahulog. kaya talagang ang kalaban mo lang ay ang sarili mong takot. ganun din sa pag-ibig. maraming teknik paano maglaro sa battlefield ng pag-ibig kaya sarili mong takot ang kalaban mo talaga. dapat nga bang sumubok pa rin sa kabila ng takot na ito? siguro. siguro dahil masarap sa pakiramdam kapag nagtagumpay ka. siguro dahil magbabago ang buhay mo. siguro dahil…masaya. 

pero iba ang reyalidad ng buhay. di ka bubuhayin ng pag-ibig lang. di ka yayaman at aasenso nang dahil sa pag-ibig lang. at di ka patatawarin ng sarili mo kapag nagkamali ka. hayaan mo man ang sasabihin ng ibang tao sayo, alam mong sa dulo’y totoo ang mga sinasabi nila. at baka maging dahilan yun para di mo lalo mapatawad sarili mo. 

ngayon itatanong mo sa sarili mo: “iibig ka pa ba? baka magkamali ka.” dahil ang pag-ibig ay dapat mong ituring na parang bayan ng baler, aurora – maganda ang mga tag-init pero malulupit ang mga tag-ulan. hindi ka maaaring magdesisyon lamang base sa tag-init. pilitin mong makita ang tag-ulan bago mo sabihing gusto mo ito. kung hindi, baka isumpa mo hindi lang ang tag-ulan kundi pati ang tag-araw. kaya tanungin mo ang sarili mo, kaya mo bang mahalin pati ang tag-ulan? 

heller baler

love…i have no idea how to start this post. all i know is i wanna write it all out.

i don’t know if he really likes me. if “nagtatanong” meant that he’s interested in me or that he just finds me weird that i chickened out after one try or if am overanalyzing and it is what i think it is. but here’s what am sure about – am confident (even if it’s just a false one) that guys with whom i think i am out of their league can also like me.

it was an instant ego boost. and it’s weird that love (or something like it) always happens to me when i least expect it. like what happened this weekend. i was supposed to become a wing-woman to a friend, but it was me who met someone.

it’s not that i wanna be in a relationship with him. it’s just that i find him really attractive. but then i remembered practicality wise, he’s out of my league. he earns a living by teaching surfing, which i don’t think can support himself well enough. he lives in a place that doesn’t feel like home to me. and all that makes me think i might become the bread winner of the family if i end up with him.

and then there’s this another idea in my head. what if by “nagtatanong” it means he’s just weirded out? it might be that he finds me strange enough to poke his curiosity. but then again, what do i care? to me he’s not what would be considered as man enough to be a partner to me. he can’t be a partner to me the way i want a partner to be.

and what if it’s just like the “chie” situation all over again, where i was almost sure he liked me but it turned out in the end that he didn’t? if that’s the case, it’s a good thing the new guy isn’t in my league. i don’t want the “chie” incident to happen again.

edited to add: just tracked down his facebook page (me and my research/journalistic skills!). i realized i don’t like him as much. he’s not even worth this post.

of love and the benjamin franklin effect

[romantic] love has many definitions – a billion and one of them. because the faster the world’s population grows, the more definitions of love come out.

some say it’s about making sacrifices. while for others, it’s not just a noun but a verb that you have to act out. and still, there are those who claim that it’s never an experience of the heart but of the mind because it’s a decision. it depends really on who’s talking and what experiences he’s/she’s been through.

and then of course, there’s my own definition. and like many others, my definition is a product of years of experiences of falling in love and getting hurt. i won’t say it’s the best definition of all because i am no expert. but it’s the best i could come up with.

i loved mr. d not because of who he is but because of what i did. all these years of trying so hard to get back together with him, convincing myself that our love story is like that of a fairy tale with a happy ending, made the feeling i already have for him more intense. because of everything i did for him to take me back, love has become the effect and not the cause.

maybe that’s why they say that loving can be learned. because as you act, your emotions follow. and ultimately, you believe that you, indeed, love the person.

it’s like the benjamin franklin story. he tried to “manipulate” one of his haters to become his die-hard fan by asking him a favor. then this dude, who hated his guts, eventually thought that he must have really liked benjamin after all because it felt good when he helped him. maybe love is exactly like that. the more you act on it, the more it intensifies and the more you believe it exists. even if it’s not there in the beginning, your actions plant the seed.

it’s not that i’m de-romanticizing or demystifying love by saying it is something deliberate – don’t get me wrong. the force that caused you to act in the first place still remains a mystery.

ultimately, love is a process – a journey. it’s not the end goal or the destination. and whatever caused it to happen is best left as a mystery.

 

 

 

stress

people have different ways of dealing with stress. some turn to binge eating/drinking to eat/drown their pain away. others head to the gym to sweat it out. 

in my 28 years of existence, i, too, have my own way of dealing with stress. but i can’t say i’ve found the one that would fit me perfectly. i’ve tried binge eating, which naturally blew me up really quickly like a balloon at a children’s party. so i’ve tried checking in at hotels, so i could have some alone time and get the ultimate relaxation. but that was too expensive for my budget. then there’s my latest: exercising. 

coping up. this is what i am aiming for whenever i try new strategies in dealing with stress. because being in this state, especially if it’s induced by hormonal imbalance during period, is never easy. 

you feel angry all the time. you feel weepy – even at the least sappy movie. you’re a ticking time bomb. without a strategy in dealing with all these, chances are, all hell will break lose and people around you won’t like it. 

but is it always just physiological? maybe not. sometimes, these are just manifestations of the bigger explosion that’s looming inside of you. you have deep-seated issues that you have to resolve, otherwise, they’re just gonna come out every time you have hormonal imbalance during period. 

and if that’s the case, is eating/drinking enough? is exercising enough? maybe not always. but maybe one thing will work: count your blessings so you won’t lose sight of the beauty of your life. 

realistic

no matter how hard you resist change, you’ll never win the battle. that’s the most important lesson i’ve learned today.

i went to my friend’s mom’s birthday party where our caring group would also hold our regular meeting. interesting discussion – i can say that. and because we’re all girls, the “boy” talk is inevitable.

i can’t believe i got that comfortable baring my soul to our group, which i usually only do when am with a small group. granting a group of 5 is still small, but i’m more comfortable sharing those things in a one-on-one discussion.

i talked about how much of a dense person i am when it comes to love – that i can’t tell if a guy likes me or that i don’t like romantic gestures because i think they’re phony. i also told them i don’t believe in courtship because i just want the guy to be straightforward with me about his feelings so we can cut the crap.

when those words came out of my mouth, i knew right then and there that i’ve changed –  a lot. i used to be an ooey-gooey romantic who dreams of having her wedding ceremony in a pond (don’t ask). i also dreamed of how romantic our special day would be. but hearing those words come out of my mouth made me realize that i am no longer the person that i once was. and i think i know what happened in between that changed me.

dennis happened. it’s not that he took away my faith in love. it’s just that what happened between me and him made me a realistic person that i am now. i became a person who always makes sure she’s in touch with reality. it’s not that i became bitter about love; it’s just that i became more of a down-to-earth than a head-in-the-clouds-romantic.

and i don’t see anything wrong with that. because if there’s one thing that i hate the most, it’s keeping me from making my decision a conscious one when it’s about a very important matter. but one thing i also realized and am now asking myself: “could i have been in the wrong part of the planet?”

most filipinos are nothing like me when in comes to love. telenovelas are a perfect evidence. a lot of people (both guys and girls) live a “telenovela” life. they all believe in “happily ever after” as soon as the wedding bells ring. they don’t realize that real life is just beginning when a couple says their “i do.” and they only know of a “romeo and juliet” type of affair, where two people are supposed to battle it out in the jungle to find a mate. they never consider that keeping the relationship as a married couple is a lot harder and much more interesting (not to mention, realistic). sadly, this makes it a lot harder to be single around here.

after all these is said, i now ask myself: should i move to another country to find the one for me?

big girl problems

i guess it’s a sign that you’re already old when you have “big girl” problems in your life. (i don’t mean weight problems, although that could be one of them. haha!) you take care of other people now, not only when they’re physically sick but also when their wallets are out of life. you look after them and make sure they’re always safe.

that’s my life right now. with my age and marital status, i am taking care of my parents financially. although i admit i seldom go with them to the doctor for their checkups (because i work graveyard shift), i work hard to sustain their living. but sometimes, being me is not easy. i should’ve been rich by now if i wasn’t helping them financially. i could have a butt-load of investments if i hadn’t been too careless with money before and if i wasn’t giving my folks money. but where’s the fun in not having responsibilities, right?

despite all my problems – being a second mom to my brothers and my parents, i wouldn’t have my life any other way. simply because when i took on these responsibilities, i learned so much about myself, life, and what it means to be an adult.

  1. as an adult, i learned that i have to be able to distinguish what is a problem from what’s not. adulthood is complicated in itself – even without serious problems. you have bills to pay, mouths to feed, goals to reach – it’s innately hard. that is why it is very important to be able to know where to spend your energy on. otherwise, you’re just gonna spend your whole day worrying about the pettiest of things.
  2. being an adult means enjoying your freedom but within set limits. you can enjoy your money all you want but not to the point of forgetting to save and invest (and help). you can go wherever you want but not to the point of abandoning your priorities and your health. you can also meet as many people as you want but not to the point of surrounding yourself with toxic people.
  3. being an adult means appreciating your past, present, and future. it’s easy to be bitter about the past (or even your present) but remember, everything you’ve been through, are going through, and will go through are what makes you who you are.
  4. you gotta have patience – a truck-load of it. my patience is challenged 24/7. i am surrounded by people that, while close to my heart, are also very different from me in terms of personality. we respect each other, but most of the time, we are not in the same page. as an adult, i learned to be patient with people around me because we have differences. and recognizing those differences means respecting them.
  5. worrying doesn’t help – that’s another thing i learned as an adult. as cliche as the line “there’s a solution to every problem” may sound, it is true. because like i said above, adulthood is already difficult, why complicate it further?
  6. learn to say “sorry.” as a grown-up, it’s so hard to put your ego aside when dealing with life’s complications. but as i journeyed through adulthood, i learned that saying sorry (and actually meaning it) is [one of] the most important lessons i should learn. because no matter how much money i make, life only becomes worth living if it’s filled with great relationships.

i’m sure the list goes beyond number 6. but maybe i need more time to make the list longer. to sum it all up in a sentence, being an adult simply means enjoying your life responsibly, together with the people you love.