good days, bad days

not all days are created equal. some are good, others are bad. and this day is one of those where everything seems to go wrong.

it’s not that there is anything life-changing (in a bad way) that happened today. it’s just that in everything i did today, there was always that “blooper” moment. i spilled a box of strawberries at the grocery. i nudged my mom on the head accidentally when she was picking something up from the floor and i was beside her doing something else. i closed my browser several times today right when i was in the middle of something. and the list goes on.

i’m supposed to be mad that nothing seems to go as planned today. but am not. maybe because am realizing it’s not always about what i feel or who i am that makes my day crappy. sometimes, it’s circumstantial. i mean, i haven’t had a decent sleep. i didn’t work out and ate a bunch of junk foods last night just to keep myself awake while working. the day is crappy not because i am but because circumstances were.

i used to blame myself whenever i am having a bad day. i would always think it’s probably because i’m still immature that things get out of hand. but now, i know better than to take things personally. because sometimes, days just aren’t made to be perfect – they’re made to make you laugh at your silly self.

coward

paulo coelho said that in life, there are no victories or defeats – only a continuous cycle. attaining success at one thing doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road for you. it doesn’t mean your journey stops there. it just means that up next is another success or failure.

and the same is true in falling in love. losing the one you love doesn’t mean your world will end. it just means closing of one chapter so another chapter could open. but paulo said not everyone is brave enough to seek love again once they have lost. and if one doesn’t try, he won’t fail in love. but he won’t attain victory either.

this made me wonder about my life. it made me think that i may have been single for a very long time because i wasn’t brave enough. i haven’t experienced defeats in love for a very long time, but i haven’t been victorious either. just because i wasn’t brave enough. i was stagnant. i was a prisoner of my own love because i didn’t open up myself. and that’s maybe why these deep feelings have been resurfacing in my dreams about my ex lately.

i should be brave – even when it comes to love. in my career and in other aspects of my life, i am a risk-taker. but in love, i am a coward. and i understand this now. and since awareness is the key to solving any dilemma, maybe this will amount to something good.

i hope and pray it does.

i’d like to end this post with the lyrics of the song “one hello.” pretty much sums up what am feeling.

If you’re not afraid
Of what love brings
Then endings are beginnings
Of beautiful things
It’s a chance you’ll take
It’s a chance you’ll win
If someone’s gonna find you
First you gotta let them in

Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it’s easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
You might win it all or lose your heart

If you’re not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
Or try and keep it real
And if being real
Means you’ll someday say goodbye
Remember my friend
Goodbyes not the end
It’s a circle you know
And it starts with one hello

Oohh…
Love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it’s easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
Remember my friend
Goodbyes not the end
It’s a circle you know
And it starts, starts with one hello
It starts with one hello

unique opportunity

it’s so easy to overlook your blessings when you’re bombarded with disappointments. you are blinded by frustrations thrown at your face that you never see how wonderful your life is. 

in my case, for instance, i have never considered taking my work someplace else besides my home. i have never considered traveling abroad or domestically without leaving work. i forget the beauty of being a freelance writer. until this article

some of these people left work just to go beyond the borders of their home countries and see the world. me, on the other hand, don’t have to do that just to travel the world. all i need is courage to actually do it. and money, of course. 

now, am asking myself, where have i been all this time? it’s like i have been living in another planet that i am not aware of everything that goes on in my life. i am very blessed with these unique opportunities, but i can’t seem to realize it. why did i let my frustrations ruin my life?

but it’s never too late. am still young and energetic. i can still catch up. it’s perfect timing, actually. because my issues have already been sorted out. and nothing’s gonna stop me now. 

thank god for this life. 

believe

after all these years that i have been single, i have turned into a more realistic person – down to earth, if you will – rather than a head-in-the-clouds romantic. but every now and then, i’d still gush over other people’s stories of romances that seemed to have been toyed by destiny for a while just to put things in their proper places.

i especially like angel locsin’s and luis manzano’s love story. it’s not that i’ve been dreaming to get back with my ex like they did. it’s just that their story makes me realize that things really happen for a reason – even in love. the two have been with other people, who they thought are already meant for them. but after years of being apart, a simple exchange of text messages brought back the spark. and the rest is history.

to quote luis manzano in his interview in “buzz ng bayan:”

“I am very, very happy. Grabe how happy I am. Ang pinanggagalingan nun is faith — faith that there is something called ‘in God’s perfect time.’ It proves that every smile or every tear you go through in life has its reason. And you’re supposed to be who you are no matter what you’ve experienced in the past, whether it be happiness or a low point, you’re supposed to be there for a reason,”

i love how much he attributes what happened to faith (and god). after what happened, he learned that both good and bad things are a part of the process in making you who you should be or in bringing you where you’re supposed to be.

what he said is a reminder for me to never give up in all my endeavors because just as there are bad things to make me stronger, there are good things that  make the quest worth it. in love, for instance, just as there are heartbreaks, there are second chances at falling in love again and applying the lessons you’ve learned in your failed relationships in the past.

i’m really inspired. it got me to believe in love again. it taught me that as cliche as it may sound, the saying “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” is true. because if it’s really for you, you don’t even have to try that hard. just a simple gesture on your end and things magically fall into place. all because you believed.

the true opposite of love

i have this theory that hate isn’t the real opposite of love. it’s boredom. 

while hate is an emotion that’s as strong as love, it doesn’t necessarily mean that when you don’t love a person or your condition, you hate it. hate is not always the absence of love. sometimes, you don’t love the person or situation anymore because you’re bored; you can’t seem to find the excitement anymore. in lovers, for instance, unless your ex did something really horrible to you, you might have ended the relationship because you’re not anymore as thrilled or as excited when you two first met. you get too comfortable with each other that every moment together seems too predictable – no mystery.

in other areas of life, it’s the same. when you’re not anymore happy with your career, for instance, it might not necessarily be because you hate your job (but of course that’s possible). it might be because your work doesn’t challenge you anymore. tasks have become routinary. so ultimately, you get bored. and as you do, you interpret the feeling as hate. 

even in other circumstances such as attending parties. you were told you’re gonna love to be at the party. but an hour into the event, you might not be as exhilarated as you were when you first walked in. you get bored after realizing the night isn’t not what you expected (because expectations might not always equal reality).

and what about in life? if you say you’re not happy with your life, does that mean you don’t love it? not necessarily. chances are, your life is just lacking in adventure – in moments that make you giddy like a kid in christmas morning. of course it’s possible that you hate your life because people or circumstances make you feel as such. so unless you have an enemy that makes your blood boil or situations that make you sick thinking of them, you’re just probably bored.

so what to do to prevent love from disappearing in your life? don’t get bored. do whatever makes you thrilled. take the leap at things you’ve been trying to avoid because you were told you’ll just get hurt. because come to think of it: “so what?” at least you’re not bored – you’re happy, which makes you love your life.

author stephen covey, however, warns us of being pleasure-centered. and in a way, what he’s trying to say is this is being selfish. but this i say to him, will it be that bad to live an exciting life even if it means you’ll love every minute of it? science experts said boredom is an emotion like happiness, sadness, anger, and anxiety. we have been living our lives achieving happiness while battling off the other three, along with other negative emotions. is battling boredom any different?

to sum it up, i’d like to say this. an adventurous life is a life well-lived. is it being pleasure-centered and selfish? not exactly. because if you’re sharing the excitement and enjoyment with other people, it’s not about you – it’s about making them happy. and that my friends, is love.

adulthood

the thing i love most about being an adult is that i don’t anymore have the tendency to hide my true self from other people. i don’t anymore give a crap about what other people will say about me. of course, i’d get affected for a short while but then i could easily shake it off as if nothing happened. 

i was able to prove this true when i attended  a high school friend’s birthday party during the weekend. in big crowds such as that, i used to be all loud and noisy, trying hard to make myself the life of the party. and if i don’t succeed, i’d hate myself for being reserved just because i know that people like the outgoing ones more than the reserved ones. but to my surprise, at that party, i just kept mum if i didn’t have anything to say instead of trying to make a fool of myself, saying non-sense things just so people won’t see me as a wallflower. i laughed when something is funny, and i would only share my two cents if i really have something to say on the topic. 

i was also able to test this when i was with my brother and mom at the mall this afternoon. i confronted my brother about my plan of not pursuing my canada plan. i could tell he was disappointed because he said something that i felt was a personal attack on me. i got disappointed, of course. i even cried because it hurt me so much. ( i got insulted, for crying out loud!) but after releasing all the negative emotions, it made me realize that i was just being myself when i made the decision of not pushing through with the canada plan. i felt it wasn’t the time to do it yet, so i decided to take a break from it. and while on break, i decided i would pursue my other dreams first. it hurt me to disappoint my loved ones, but it had to be done. because that’s what i want. 

maybe adulthood really isn’t so bad after all. you’re not anymore as “drunk” as you were in your teens. it’s like i always say: your teens are like your drunk years and your adulthood is when you sober up. maybe this is me sobering up. 

control

life will always suck. no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you will be alright, things would happen that would make you wanna break down.

but they say you always have a choice. you always have the power whether you will take things as a personal attack on you or shake them off as just mere trials testing your true strength. but how do you know when you have to give up control? especially when you’ve been told your whole life that you can make anything happen?

maybe not even the adults who told you that lie got it all figured out. when they said you always have a choice, they didn’t consider that most of life is in the realm of the unknown. you can never tell what will happen in the next few minutes. you can never tell when things will change.

so what else is left for you to do? you can always control your reactions. while you may never be on top of things, you can always make sure you, at least, don’t drown.