been wrestling with the thought of losing weight these past few days. it’s really hard to get that motivation because i feel like i can still be a head-turner even in this weight and size.

just this afternoon, when i went to the grocery, i really saw guys (not the ones in my type but still guys) second glanced at me. in my old self, when i looked like an old maid even though i was still young, i swear, no one even dared to look at me. i was slimmer then and pounds lighter, but no one even laid their eyes on me. 

so i guess, it’s really my style these days that make guys take a second look. i now know how to dress better and how to put on makeup that’s barely there but still enhances my features. but there’s still a drawback—i can’t find the motivation to lose weight coz i already know that i’m pretty even in this size. 

aarrrggghhh! i just hope it wouldn’t be too late when i decide to become healthy again.


i don’t care

if there’s anything that i would like to change in me while i’m in a limbo, it would be my “i care” attitude—or in a harsher term, my “people pleaser” attitude. not that i would like to deliberately hurt other people’s feelings. it’s just that i tend to obsess over what others will think of my every move, whether it’s on my job, everyday interactions, etc. makes me think if i should be like D, my former colleague who’s become my very good friend. it’s not that she’s oblivious of the world. it’s that she knows when to let go of “bad reviews” on her. i should be like that, especially if i know in my bones that i’ve already given my best.

quarter-life crisis

i only know of mid-life crisis, where middle-aged people tend to question where their life is going. i didn’t know that such a thing also exists in people who are in their mid-20’s to early 30’s. only, it comes in a different name: quarter-life crisis.

you probably have this if you’re in your mid-20’s or early 30’s, and you’re questioning where your life is going. you question whether or not your career path is where you’re really supposed to be. you also question why you are or why you are not settling down yet. and you have this habit of comparing your life with your contemporaries’ that in the end, you just feel more awful.

much like mid-life crisis in middle-aged people, quarter-life crisis is also just a phase—it comes and goes. the worst part is when it comes; the best part is when it goes away. and maybe recognizing that you have it is the first step of overcoming it. recognizing that you’re in a limbo could eventually point you to the direction where you’re supposed to be headed. but that’s just half the victory. the rest is in knowing how to come out of it.

solitude in silence

i’m an introvert. and i find peace in being alone. not that i don’t enjoy people’s company or that i am socially awkward. it’s just that i recharge my energy in solitude. i see no problem with this. to each his own, like they said. but what i don’t get is why to some people, i’d have to explain myself…to my mom, for instance.

i almost snapped today when she asked me why i was being quiet. she was asking me if i have a problem. and i hated that coz i don’t want any drama. so off i went to a coffee shop this afternoon to do my stuff. and as expected, i was able to regain my energy…i can face people again. 

i just hated that i had to explain why i am what i am to my mom. before i went to the coffee shop this afternoon, i was seriously contemplating about moving out of our house and getting my own place. i think i am capable, but i am sure that i won’t move out without facing dramas first. 

on the plus side, this is good that i am getting to know myself better and that i am gradually accepting myself—my uniqueness and all—without judgment. i used to hate myself for not being a party animal or for not being an adrenaline junkie. but now that i was able to detach myself from any particular social group, i got to know myself better. 

i am an introvert. and i have nothing to be ashamed of. i don’t owe anyone any explanation for why i am what i am.